ON MY MIND: Fecal matters … what?

On My Mind | Maureen Burns

Oh, for the love!

As any good woman, I have eaten a lot of ground turkey in the last 20 years because ground beef was supposed to be fattening, don’t you know? As I gobbled my ole turkey burgers, I felt so pure and good and healthy. Until today …

Tonight on the evening news, (Yes, I am so old I really do watch the evening news on a regular TV channel — whatever!) I was stunned to see that now they have found some ground turkey is bad for us — a virtual no, no, in fact. Ninety percent of the ground turkey tested across the United States was contaminated and over half of it with fecal matter.

OK, I know they think they can fool us with big words, but I know fecal matter really means poop. And I think to myself, “Really, really?” As the news went on they tried to make us feel better, but their comments, which were supposed to be so, ‘Hey, no prob’, just made things worse. They smoothed it over with, “The fecal matter is not the kind that will hurt you.”

My husband quickly came back with, “I don’t care if it hurts me or not, I still don’t want to eat poop.” OK, he used a more descriptive noun, but you know what I mean.

Eating fecal matter in my turkey burger, no matter how little it will hurt me, is just not what I want to be doing. This whole thing makes me just want to say, “Bite me!” to all those health spokespeople. Come on, I think, if a little poop doesn’t hurt us, you go first. In the meantime, I am going back to good ole beef for a while.

Luck — that’s what a Florida lady had last Saturday. She was at a Tampa fundraiser where you paid $20 for a flute of champagne and a chance to win a one-carat diamond worth $5,000. The diamond was put in one of the glasses of champagne. A normal person might think that is a bit foolish, but anything for a good time, right? A lady decided to sip some champagne out of her glass and accidentally swallowed the big ole diamond. Oops. What to do now? Ah, but lady luck was with her in more ways than one. Not only did she “win” the diamond, which was oh, so lucky. OK, so swallowing it wasn’t so lucky … but luck shined on her twice when she remembered she was scheduled to have a colonoscopy on Monday. I mean, really, how lucky can some people be? And, don’t forget that lucky doctor too.

Onto other things of low importance, but on my mind. While in Spain this winter, I met a lovely Irish couple. They use such different words for things. They call their cupboard a press — which just seems odd. They say things are dear when they mean expensive. And she asked me, “How come Americans call shears pruning shears when prunes are a fruit?” Hmmm, good question. It reminded me that English is different across the world, just like people.

I recently heard on a TV special that tall people make $789 more per inch than short people. Did you catch that per inch part? Now that’s just not fair says this writer who is only 5-foot, 3-inches tall but used to be a whole inch taller. Who’s idea was that?

A couple other things I heard lately have also made me cringe. One referred to a vintage 1962 car. In 1962, I was a junior in high school. Does this mean I’m vintage? Come on, say it ain’t so! I also heard a gal on TV mention a box of vintage wine. I loved that — the box part. And if you come to my house, you will see a box in the fridge, though I am pretty sure it isn’t vintage, but I guess I am.

On a different note, outside of a bar were two signs. One said, “Happy hour 5-6.” The other said, “Back to reality hour 6-7.” Cute!

Time for me to get back to reality and wrap this up. I’ll do so with a question for you. If we hit the snooze button every morning, does that mean we’re beginning our day with a nap?” I say, who cares. Snooze, baby, snooze.

 Maureen Burns, a Greenville resident, is a professional speaker and author. Her e-mail address is maureenburns@maureenburns.com.

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