ON MY MIND: The Captain and the Master

On My Mind | Maureen Burns

Be sure to go potty before you enter the movie. The movie would be “Captain Phillips” with Tom Hanks. If you do not follow my advice, you will just have to go in your pants. You certainly will not be able to leave the film for a few minutes. It is intense from start to finish and you will not want to step out for a single second.

I couldn’t believe it. I knew the story … Guy is on boat in water near Somalia. Pirates are bad guys, not cute like Johnny Depp. However, the story in real life (or as portrayed in the film) is so engaging from beginning to end that you will not believe it is 2 hours and 30 minutes long. It is truly riveting.

As I left the theater, I joked to a couple whom I did not know. “Sure was boring, wasn’t it?” They gasped and said, “OMG.” OK, that was not their exact words, but you get the drift.

Tom Hanks might as well be dusting off his shelf and moving his previous Oscars to the side to make room for his new one which will be coming in 2014. Maybe there will be better performances. So far, this is the best I’ve seen. When you sob with emotion and make guttural sounds that you wish you weren’t making, you can tell the movie got to you. This one got to me.

It is one thing to hear true tales like this on the evening news and read about them in Time Magazine. It is another to see them played out.

The real Captain Phillips was recently on “Sunday Morning,” a news show on — guess what — Sunday mornings. The real Captain P. is such a normal guy, you would swear he was at your last church service. And that is what heroes are made of — normal folks driven to abnormal things.

Go see this film. You will not want to miss it. Do not pass go. Do not go to jail.

In another entertainment realm, there is a new TV show out that explains all the sex stuff you have been wondering about. It is on Showtime and called “Foreplay” — oh, wait, that’s not right. It’s called “Masters of Sex,” a story about Masters and Johnson, the doctors who were the first to research and document all the sex stuff we take for granted now. You know, the stuff that is in most movies and many TV shows and novels. One lady told me she hadn’t told her husband about “Masters of Sex.” She said, “I’m saving it for his anniversary.”

Another told me her husband was surprised when she kissed him on the forehead and went to bed after the show. He yelled after her, “That wasn’t how I thought this would end.”

Another guy, who never asks about TV shows, asked out of the clear blue sky, “Is tonight the night “Masters of Sex” is on? He tried to be subtle but fooled no one.

I have read several reviews on this TV show. They were all stellar and say it is solidly based on fact. All I can say is, “Whew!” How many of you are hoping I will list the number to sign up for Showtime?

All of this leads me to that girl who is getting more press than the government shut-down, Miley Cyrus. She was recently on the Today Show and told Matt Lauer that sex stopped at age 40. Matt turned white and called her on it. As my friend said, “Well, heck, nobody told me!” She added, “What does Miley think all those Viagra ads are for?”

And I wondered, does she think the ads of those two people outside in separate bath tubs overlooking a hill are about to do … take a bath? Come on! Surely she can’t be that dumb.

Perhaps this was just one more extremely calculated career move that Miley made. So far this has all added up to one major positive for her — her album debuted as numero uno on the Billboard charts this week.

Miley has a great powerful voice. Now if she can just watch Showtime and see what sex is really about, she may be on to something. But, whether she does or doesn’t, the rest of you can. Just in case you were like her and thought it all ended at 40, you will be pleasantly surprised. The cost for Showtime? Think of it as just one more educational expense.

Oh, and don’t forget to go see “Captain Phillips.” Everything can’t be about sex, you know!

Maureen Burns, a Greenville resident, is a professional speaker and author. Her e-mail address is maureenburns@maureenburns.com.

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