REALITY CHECK: It’s a fact; I may be the smartest man in the world
There may be chimps smarter than me, but among homo sapiens sapiens, I — with the possible exception of Robin Williams — may be the most intelligent man alive.
Those of you who know me personally are no doubt shocked by this assertion, but lemme tell ya, buddy, this time science is on my side. I know the science is legit because I saw it on Facebook, that final arbiter of all that is unassailably accurate and truthful in the world.
I get a lot of my facts from Facebook:
• Republicans are evil. So are Democrats.
• The president is a space alien.
• I can lose belly fat using this one simple trick doctors hate!
• Hundreds of beautiful women are just waiting for me to chat with them online.
• Those same women don’t care that I’m twice their age; they like it, in fact.
• Elvis shot JFK.
This is just a small sampling, of course. There are plenty more facts where those came from.
But the fact I’m choosing to believe today, the one that pretty much proves I’m the smartest man alive (except for Robin Williams) is this: excessive body hair has been linked to higher I.Q.
According to Dr. Aikarakudy Alias — a psychiatrist with a name that might cause a person less intelligent than myself to doubt the validity of his claim — men with more body hair are just smarter than the rest of the population. Alias has been studying the relationship between body hair and I.Q. for 22 years and recently shared his findings with the eighth Congress of the Association of European Psychiatrists, an organization I’m almost sure is not fictional.
Alias reported that hairy chests are “…more likely to be found amongst doctors and the highly educated than in the general population.” While 45 percent of male doctors in training resemble extras in the movie “Planet of the Apes,” Alias says, only 10 percent of working stiffs can boast such hirsute wonderfulness.
If this is true — and I’m choosing to believe it is — then the fur on my back alone should land me a job with NASA. Add to that my shoulder toupees and the shrubbery that continually attempts to sprout from my ears and you’re looking at the next Einstein here, folks.
It’s a shame I’m finding this out so late in life. If I had spent the last 30 years just letting my hair grow, I’d probably have tenure at M.I.T. by now. Instead, I’ve made regular attempts to trim my fur back to a length that will not frighten children at the beach or cause me to show up in blurry “Bigfoot” footage shot by terrified campers.
I assume it’s a Samson type thing. The longer my hair gets, the smarter I’ll be. Of course, I’m single and being covered with a bear-like pelt could conceivably hurt my chances with the ladies. Happily, there’s a website filled with beautiful Asian girls just waiting for a chance to meet up with hairy men like me — well, according to Facebook.